Looking at the End of My Life

Looking at the End of my Life, I live with that thought daily. I gauge my actions upon it. I picture myself, old, beautiful, round and winkled in comfy flannel PJ’s. My eyes will be as bright as ever, because I lay there proud of of my life and all those around me. I won’t have many regrets. I will have lived my life conscience of them, not wanting to carry the weight of them upon my shoulders. Those few regrets I do carry, I have forgiven myself for them and learned from them.
I feel all the wrinkles upon my face and know I earned each one of them. I see my kids around me, their here not out of obligation or a bible verse but out of deep love and appreciation. Knowing I placed them as top priority the first 25 years of their life. We never bought them a new car or a big house but we gave them our time.  We provided them the wings to fly on their own.  My grandkids are around me too.  Each now with their own wings. I smile noting the similarities and I am proud.
I am not sure I want my husband there or not. Sometimes I picture him greeting me on the other side. My soulmate. . I respected him and he respected me.I helped make all his dreams come true as he did mine. He was my partner with raising our kids, not always easy, but we never gave up. What more could I ask or give.

I have a smile of contentment on my face, knowing I really lived my life. The first half;  growing up , learning lessons, raising kids, learning lessons. The second half with knowing the lessons.  Living a life of travel and adventure. Not just with my husband  but with those I hold most dear, family and friends.
All this I think about each day, building on the beautiful pictures in my head. Creating all those memories I will hold dear to the end.

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High Anxiety: Do you suffer from anxiety? You are not alone. Sit in with Donna and Carol as they share their frustrations and solutions.

Caring for our aging parents, when their twilight years become our twilight zone.

The State of Our Kids Address: They’re adults now, have they met our expectations? (Probably not if they’re still at home).

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On The Verge Of Living on Cash

Banking is a thorn in my side. Here it is Monday and I have to visit the bank and ask them “Why the Hold on my account”. I found out about the hold while shopping yesterday. It’s always a pleasant experience to have the cashier tell you your debit card was declined. When my daughter asked to go to Starbucks on the way home I had to tell her I have no money. Oh but I do! I went promptly to a ATM and checked my balance. It said I had a good balance, but would not let me take any money out of it out. Why oh why bank????? My husband looked at me, as my face is turning red and said “it’s going to be okay”. I can’t think clearly.
As soon as I got home, I called the bank. They say they don’t know for sure because that department is closed but it could all be about an ID number. What? My Husband went in a week ago and provided them with all the info. The teller on the phone also informed me there was a $20 fee, dealing with this. I love my bank, at least I used to. It used to be a small bank, where everyone knew your name. A mega bank bought it several months ago. Most of our sweet tellers have been replaced with idiots. I don’t want to change banks but I might have to. Well, wish me luck dealing with the system.. I will need to go to the gym afterwards.

On The Verge of Taking Carlos the Cat to the Vet.

I am feeling bad for our cat Carlos this morning. He has an appointment with the vet today to be Spade (sp). I know this is the right thing to do…but the kitten has no idea what will be done to him today. I look at his sweet trusting face, oh I feel bad. What makes this all worse, is that our friends took their much loved dog to the vet on Saturday due to a cough. He died of a heart attack in the Vet’s office because he was so scared (okay, he had an enlarged heart too). I don’t want Carlos to be scared. I know what it is like. I hate going to the doctors office myself. It’s one of the few places I feel out of control. Yuk…let’s not go there, I don’t feel well.
I know we have an obligation to help control the pet population….but it’s because someone neglected to control the population that Carlos came into our family. However, as I sit her, Carlos is nuts! Jumping from the couch to the stairs then up on the Route 66 bar chair. He has that crazy look in his eyes. I know in an hour he will be the cute, cuddily cat we so love. Oh, I don’t know. I dread looking into Carlos’s eyes tonight. He trust me…..

On the Verge of an Electric Shock Buzzer at Disneyland.

Yesterday my son, husband and I went to Disneyland. My son is 17 and a huge Disney fan. He doesn’t mind even hanging with his parents at D-land. We had fun. Everything was decorated for Halloween, pumpkins everywhere. Space Mountain and the Haunted Mansion were decked out. Had dinner at the sour dough place at California Adventure. Then, headed to the center of Disneyland to wait for the big Halloween Firework Show.
We entered the cordon off areas to wait. Now, we got there about 25 minutes before the show and stand towards the back of the area. It’s crowded! But wait we did on tired and soar feet. So far I can see just great. Sleeping Beauty’s castle is right in front of me. Centered perfectly, in between two older ladies who are taller than I but on the round side providing me with a good viewing space between their heads. Then I heard this man behind me saying “excuse me, excuse me” It’s this tall man bringing his wife some coffee… in front of the nice ladies, in front of me. What! So now I am jogging around my small area for another viewing position. I find one next to a lady with bags of stuff. The bags hit my leg but the view is okay. The lights go off as the show was about to begin. The castle was lit and the fireworks went off but I can’t see the castle. This dad in front of me has now put his child on his shoulders. I had no idea he had a child. Where was it a minute ago. I loudly said “You Got to be Kidding!” Isn’t there some kind of common courtesy thought that might occur to these guys “Hey, I will be in all these nice peoples way, I should head to the back of the area so everyone can see.” But this isn’t the case they sit there with no regard to anyone around them. I hate this. Has it always been this way? Did there parents not teach them about manners? In some deep dark place in my head I just wished I had an electric shock buzzer thing. That would chock some common sense into them.

New Podcasts are UP

Posted a new Moms on the Verge Podcast about “State of Our Kids (Why are they still at home) and Brides stuffed in Sexy Wedding dresses. Other podcast feature: Flashing Old Lady, Worry and Kids in Bars. Check it our at http://momsontheverge.podbean.com/

On the Verge of a Reality TV Meltdown.

I love reality TV. I admit it. Now, I do have my limits. That stupid stuff on MTV…I slept with my brother’s wife type of stuff. All I think is “Where were these kids (young adults, but I don’t want to call them that) parents?”, Did they ever have parents?, Where they ever taught morals and manners?. There was one show I saw on MTV many moons ago where a young woman, an elementary school teacher went off with friends to Florida. Over the next 20 minutes they showed her get drunk, pick up some guy and have a threesome with the girls she came with. At the end of the show they interviewed her father who had just watched the show. You could tell he was upset, but he said “what could he do”, that it’s “her life”. I was yelling at the TV screen “well, you raised her!” Okay, I hate (OK that is a little harsh…it’s Monday morning), parents who don’t take any responsibility. Don’t we as parents have the responsibility to raise our kids with manners, morals and good judgement. …with that my rant over, I will go on.
I have been watching “Say Yes to the Dress” on, I think TLC. I enjoy this show but there of course are a few things that annoy me. When did wedding dresses become sexy? I wanted to be beautiful in my dress, but to dress sexy was saying “It’s all about sex, baby.” Is that the message brides want to say now? Not only are the dresses sexy but some girls are down right stuffed inside, like a sausage. Ladies, when you are stuffed inside you look 2 sizes BIGGER. Watch “What not to Wear”…. Okay, here is my other peeve, don’t bring too many people when you are trying on dresses….they all have opinions….and they are not yours. I have seen many episodes where the disappointment on the brides face is so sad, when she comes out radiant in her favorite dress the group just stares at her with disgusted looks on there faces. Especially the Mother of the Bridem who give the bride the look, I’m not paying for that one! I am once again screaming at the TV, “It’s not about you” to the mother and guests. I no longer watch shows like Bridezilla or those wedding planner shows. They make me upset. I was watching Oprah last week, She did part of her show from Denmark. Oprah said, In America it’s more about the wedding then the actual marriage. It’s true!
I think I will stick to shows like Antique Roadshow and BBC America’s Cash in the Attic. They keep mellow.

On the Verge of Cleaning the Garage

My garage is is only a third of the size of a normal 2 car garage. We have built 2 rooms in the other 2/3rds. But into the third we have stuffed, thrown and stuffed some more. I know somewhere in there are some of our wedding presents, you know the ones you got that you will never use. I think there is even a silver tea service somewhere in there. Our family of five have lived in our little house for 22 years now. The garage is stuffed with things from those 22 years. My husbands solution is to rent a 22 foot long trash container and start dumping. I say, if it was all trash it would of been dumped a long time ago. I’m afraid to go away one weekend to find my husband has done just that. Our old neighbor would do just that. When his wife would go away, he would open that garage door and proceed to have a garage sale and then dump all the stuff that didn’t sell. I am not sure she even noticed. This is why I am scared. Not sure I would notice either. So this Saturday is the day. No more excuses, who know what might be in there.

On the Verge of Kicking my Kid out of the House

God is funny. It all makes since. You have a cute adorable baby. One you just can’t stop kissing and cooing over. God’s got you! Then when they turn 2 and your angel is throwing tantrums in the middle of the grocery store. You call up your parents and ask “Why didn’t you tell me how hard it is to be a parent? They try to give you some crap about forgetting the bad and only remember the good. My mom told me the same thing about giving birth. Just watch one of those TLC Baby story shows and it all comes flooding back. My last kid was a doosy, His chin was stuck….so I got the pleasure of going through the whole natural birth process then emergency C-section. My last words while they were putting me into the operating table was “after I hold my son, but me out”. I digress, when my first born hit 10 that was a hard year. 10 is when your kids start to think they are smarter than you and they claim they are being used as slave labor. Thank God my good friend Heidi came into my life at that point. Providing me valuable advice…she said “Clear out his room and only give him a bed and several sets of clothes (not the best ones). Tell him, you only owe him a roof over his head, food, love, an education and a bed. Everything else needs to be earned”. That worked for a while, and then 14 came.

Now my kids think we are weird and really stupid. My son had a palm pilot at the time. When I threaten to take it away due to his bad attitude, he threatened me, telling me I better not. Well, that palm pilot was last seen spattered on the pavement from our fast moving car. I again ask my parents “Why didn’t you tell me it was so hard?” Now they have the gull to say “If we told you how hard it was to raise kids, no one will ever have them.” So this is the secret that has been handed down thorough the ages. I think my parents get some kind of demented joy watching us struggle with our kids; it’s like some kind of revenge payback thing. Okay, I will admit I do get some kind of demented joy thinking about that with my own kids…let’s move on to 16.

Now the jokes on us all. So now we are dealing with kids who want nothing to do with us because we are boring and too old. And we are supposed to turn around and give them the keys to our cars and pay their insurance. They are seen laughing at us as they drive down the street. I received an inheritance at this stage and decided to spend it by taking my family on a five mouth adventure through Europe. Literally, dragging a 16 year old who’s telling me “you are ruining my life” though14 foreign lands 24/7. In spite of it all we had an unforgettable time and the little bugger had some fun.

18, well I didn’t see that one coming, once again, totally ignorant of what was to come. When my eldest turned the ripe old age of 18, he acted like God granted him all the knowledge of the ages. My 46 years of worldly experience was nothing in comparison. The next two years was sort of what I think hell is like. I now look back and ask how did we survive? I think by simply entertaining the thought, we could actually kick him out at any time. I felt bad for a friend of mine at Bunco one night, who said “I can’t wait till my kids turn 18 then life will get better”. I looked at her and said “It doesn’t get better”, it broke her heart. My son proceeded to live as if “Fun” was the only goal to attain and responsibility and education was in the way. It was at this point when my foot was almost on his butt, kicking him out when God intervene. He arranging for my son to be an Aupair in Germany for seven months. God has a great since of humor. In Germany he learned about what it takes to take care of children… Most importantly he learned about himself. When he came home he was appreciative of his parents. Halleluiah! Life with him has gotten easier, not perfect but much better. But there are those times…I guess there will always be those times when I am reminded of times passed and that single thought comes back to me……I could kick him out at anytime. Then I go do what I always do, help him handle the problems make sure he gets back on track and have a glass of wine.

On the Verge of a Website

It took a couple of months but I finally (OK, my husband finally) got my website up. It’s not perfect yet, so no negative comments. There is still a lot to learn. I keep saying I am not going to learn anything new…my brain is on overload as it is….no room. But, here I am, learning all about web pages, Blogs and Twitter. I guess this excuse of “no room” can no longer be used. Don’t tell my kids. They still think I can’t program my phone or the Fios. I love handing my phone to my 17 year old and have him do everything. Truly, when I was recently asked what type of phone do I have, I had to hand it to a teenager and ask them. My own 73 year old mother knows more about computers than I do. She comes over and starts to ask me questions about the computer and I have to direct her to my husband. Well, with all this said, I am learning, be patient….It is a pretty web site….